May 24, 2015

R We There Yet??

I spent my Sunday by moving most of my blog posts on my dropbox account, and by doing that I feel like growing up. I have been blogging since first year of junior high school, one of an impulsive decision that I made back then, because having your own page on the internet sounded cool on 2007, besides, I was having a really huge crush with someone and I used this blog to write how desperate I was to be with him, and years goes by, I can say this blog has been here for me when nobody else was. Well, anyway I decided to start on a new blank page today, by exported most of my blog posts on dropbox and by doing that, I feel like I'm letting go a part of my life and  and I hope I'm not as emo as I used to be now. 

Anyway, I may not known as a person who's always telling the truth, but I have always been honest when I blog, so here is a confession I would like to make. I admit I was a sentimental person, I take things to the extreme, I guess this has nothing to do with sign, but I was born under Pisces sign so I hope that explains (?) hahaha. I feel things too deeply, and I may seem appear as too dependent on someone. 

Today is Sunday, but I was feeling as gloom as I can be today. I get mad with someone for apparently no reason at all. I get upset, at the point that I almost feeling like I need to take a break from this relationship. Call me a crybaby, spoiled brat, a loner, or sentimental heart, well you name it... I do any annoying things a girl can do, I purposely ignore the phone calls, I said rude things and whatsoever. We were doing good yesterday, had fun, getting lost, exploring the city and so on. I guess today was not my day at all, I got very mad with things  that I should really get used to it by now.    

Anyhow, after I cooled down I started to feel uneasy about myself. I should not do this,that, and that goes on. I admit I was being selfish, although this someone has given me all he has got, but I still ask for more than he is capable of. And, that is wrapped up my day today. We did made it up, but it got me thinking about so many things now. I always be the one that sacrifices everything, and that I always I ended up with miserable relationship. But, to be frank, I'm just too afraid of losing. The idea of losing is just too unbearable so I'm doing whatever it takes to prevent it, to the point until I'm hurting myself.

I'm graduating soon, and it terrifies me. I don't want to lose him, and it may sounds cheesy, but I do feel that way. Today, I found out that he actually cares. I  feel bad about myself, by judging him this and that, when in fact, I did not see what he actually did to make me happy. 

I cried. I did cried a lot, but I have never cried this much and hating myself at the same time.

I hate it when I'm wishing he would always be here for me, I hate it when I'm getting upset when he is leaving, I'm afraid being too happy when we are together, keep thinking this is just temporary. I hate being a person that feels too deeply, because they say the harder and deeper you feel, the bigger the pain and dissapointment you will get. 

I feel happy when I see him, yet I'm feeling sad.
But, they say life is too short if you worry too much, I've came to believe that now. 

i'm going nuts had to spent sunday by doing chores and cleaning up my room but i'm getting by just fantastic ahahaha :D

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